Too Much Togetherness
Over the past few months, many of us have enjoyed a lot of benefits of being at home with our loved ones. Many of us had the opportunity to do things together that we haven’t had time to do before — lunch and dinners together, binge watching, and playing games. All of this extra time together was a welcome change.
But now, as time goes on, all of this togetherness is resulting in many of us experiencing something I call closeness fatigue. Without the distraction of being with other people, we begin to notice things about those close to us that we never noticed before or were willing to overlook. And many of these things are starting to annoy us. For example, I have heard people say things like “I hate to say this, but the sound of him breathing, chewing, or any number of other small things is driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?” Or, people who are normally loving and kind to one another turn into the “Bickersons” right before your eyes.
So, how do we handle all this closeness without destroying relationships or letting frustration build to a breaking point? First, we can start by acknowledging that there is nothing wrong with us or those close to us. And what we are experiencing is most likely the result of too much time together in a highly stressed and uncertain environment. If you find yourself starting to feel irritated and impatient with those close to you, take a look at the following for ideas on how you can navigate this situation:
Focus on the positive things. It is so easy to be obsessed with someone’s failings and things that annoy you. The more you think about them, the more deeply embedded they become in the way you view the other person. When this happens, take a moment to pause your negative thinking and shift your focus to things you appreciate about them. You may even consider writing them down and keeping that list handy. Or, find pictures of you and the other person(s) in good times and keep those photos visible.
Express your appreciation and fondness for others. Once you have your list of what you appreciate about the other person, consider sharing it with them. What a nice surprise this would be. You may also see a shift in your own feelings as you share your list. The key here is not to have expectations of how the other person should respond or reciprocate. However, don’t be surprised if this small gesture prompts an open and loving conversation.
Engage in an open dialogue. When the time is right, it might be good to engage in a dialogue about how your relationship can be improved. Here are a couple of things to keep in mind:
Avoid universal statements. Using phrases like “you always” or “you never” will raise their defenses because it focuses on what is wrong with them. Instead, consider using “I” statements that focus on how you feel without blaming or accusing the other person.
Listen. Don’t be surprised if the other person has a list of “grievances” as well, or they want to provide his or her perspective on what you have to say. When this happens, take a moment to pause and refocus your attention on what they are saying.
Try not to interrupt. Wait to comment or ask questions until after they have finished.
Whenever you notice you are feeling defensive, irritated, or angry, try to bring to mind an image of a time when this person was especially kind and loving to you.
Be honest. Keep in mind that the truth can be uncomfortable - especially if you know that your partner will be irritated and perhaps angry as you share your concerns. However, it is worth working through this because honesty builds trust and helps both of you feel safe.
Keep an open mind. Try not to have a set goal of how you want the conversation to go. Staying open to other ways of thinking will help you see the other person’s point of view.
Develop individual interests. Doing everything together does not give us space to pursue things that are important to us. When we feel that we have to enjoy or participate in what others want to do, it may lead to resentment and perhaps contempt. Instead, make a joint decision to spend time apart doing things that each of you enjoy. Even though it is a little more challenging since our options have narrowed about where and what we can do, the first step is to have a conversation and reach agreement on what is important to each of you.
Practice self-care. Take responsibility to do what you can to deal with your individual level of stress and anxiety and not place that burden on the other person. Reducing your overall level of stress will help you be more tolerant and patient. And give the other person space to decide what they need to reduce their stress as well.
Keep in mind that constant togetherness may illuminate issues that always existed but are now magnified in our current environment. When you avoid dealing with these little annoyances, it may lead to more serious problems later on. If you find you are impatient and often irritated by things that you wouldn’t have even noticed before, take a moment to consider how you can address this head on and not continue down this destructive path.
To help you get started on re-building your relationships, we invite you to take time to listen to the following two exercises: