Is This Conversation Over?

We have all had the situation where we were trapped in a conversation and couldn’t get out of it. Or on the other end of the spectrum, we have all experienced a conversation that ended too abruptly, leaving us feeling dissatisfied and even a little hurt.

Researchers at Harvard, the University of Pennsylvania, and the University of Virginia found that conversations usually don’t end when either person wants it to end (Mastroianni et al., 2021). Their study asked participants to think about the last conversation they had and asked if that conversation ended when they wanted it to. They found that approximately 67% responded that they expected the conversation to end before it did. And half reported that they wished the conversation had lasted longer or had been shorter.

Intrigued by the findings of their survey, the researchers invited volunteers to chat with another volunteer about whatever they wanted for at least one minute but for less than 45 minutes. The researchers found that only 2% of the conversations ended when both parties wanted them to end.

After listening to the conversations, the researchers concluded that the reason conversations are either too short or too long is that neither person knows what the other wants. Both parties worried that ending the conversation too quickly would be perceived as being rude. They found that even in free-flowing conversations, people tend to hide their desires from each other. Because of this we have to be vigilant to subtle cues from the other person to determine if the conversation is drawing to a close. Plus, we have to pay attention to the unconscious rules of conversation.

One such rule is called “turn-taking” and is one of the fundamental rules of conversation (Hilbrink et al., 2015). As one person speaks, we take what is said and pay attention to facial expressions, shifts in gaze, body language, and even a cough which can change the pace and timing of a conversation. Although, I’m sure you know people that don’t adhere to that rule .

These rules also contain a set of social actions which steer conversations in particular directions. This might be asking someone if they have had lunch, which might be a set up to asking someone out to lunch (Drew, 2013). Other conversation rules are related to asking permission to extend the conversation, such as asking if they can ask you a question.

Other rules are related to “closing routines”. This is where people try to see if they are truly done. We might say something like “anyway” or “alright” in a particular way to test if the conversation is drawing to a close. Specifically, these closing routines include a pre-closing statement which indicates an intention to close the conversation. If the closing statements are accepted by both people, then we move to the goodbyes.

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So, given that there are these well-used set of closing rules, why do so few conversations end in an appropriate amount of time for both parties? The answer may be in the rules themselves. These closing rules skew the conversation away from a natural point of conclusion. For example, someone may begin a closing routine too early after misinterpreting a cue. And even if we correctly initiated a closing routine, it can still take time to wrap things up which extends the conversation beyond what at least one of the parties ideally expects.

What’s the point of this study? The researchers say it is cause for celebration that only 2% of our conversations end when both of us want them to. They concluded that the remaining 98% are instead conforming to the rhythm of the conversation dance, cooperating and responding to cues and prompts.

My take on this research is that having a quality conversation involves more than whether it ends when each party expects it to. It means respecting the other person and allowing them to express themselves without judgment, allowing the conversation to naturally flow from a place of mutual respect. This means we have to be good listeners as well. Being a good listener may be the way we can increase the quality of our conversations, no matter the conversation’s length. To help you brush up on your listening skills, I’ve included a brief exercise below called “I’m All Ears”.

References

Drew, P. (2013). Conversation analysis and social action. Journal of Foreign Languages, 37(3), 1-20.

Hilbrink, E. E., Gattis, M., & Levinson, S. C. (2015). Early developmental changes in the timing of turn-taking: a longitudinal study of mother–infant interaction. Frontiers in psychology, 6, 1492.

Mastroianni, A. et al. (2021). Do conversations end when people want them to? Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. DOI: 10.1073/pnA.2011809118

Schegloff, E. A. (1980). Preliminaries to preliminaries: “Can I ask you a question?”. Sociological Inquiry, 50(3‐4), 104-152.