Love, Lies, and Money
Love, lies, and money refer to financial infidelity. It is defined as engaging in any financial behavior expected to be disapproved of by one’s romantic partner and intentionally failing to disclose it to them. This definition of financial infidelity comprises two components: (1) engaging in a financial behavior expected to elicit disapproval from one’s partner and (2) intentionally failing to disclose this behavior to one’s partner.
Financial matters are frequently cited as a source of marital conflict and stress. Because relationship conflicts over money are usually more recurrent and problematic and less likely to be resolved than nonmonetary issues, they have become a leading cause of divorce. Financial infidelity has been recognized as a prominent phenomenon by popular press outlets and industry surveys of consumer finances. A recent study of more than 5,000 American adults identified keeping money-related secrets in relationships as the “no. 1 financial deal breaker”. Financial infidelity admission rates are more substantial among those explicitly combining finances with partners or spouses, where 41% admit to committing financial deceptions and 75% say financial deceit has negatively affected their relationships (National Endowment for Financial Education 2018).
Financial infidelity can negatively impact a couple’s ability to accomplish financial goals like building an emergency cash fund, saving for retirement, or paying off a mortgage. Moreover, it could negatively impact a couple’s ability to enjoy shared, positive consumption experiences (e.g., a dinner out, which is associated with feelings of “togetherness.” These experiences are associated with greater happiness and relationship satisfaction than solo experiences.
Often, financial infidelity arises from conflict between one’s financial preferences, goals, and desires and those of a significant other. For example, conflict could occur if the couple has a joint goal to limit their spending in favor of debt repayment. Yet, one or both partners desire immediate gratification. When conflicts arise, partners must choose to forgo their preference, follow their preference at the risk of partner disapproval, or follow their preference and hide the behavior.
Most relationships have or will have incidences of financial infidelity, ranging from something as minor as occasionally sneaking another pair of shoes in the house to hiding substantial debt from excessive spending. Below is a list of statements that may help you explore if financial infidelity might be an issue in your relationship. Take a moment to reflect on each statement to understand more about you and your significant other’s financial relationship.
Financial Infidelity Tendency
If I wanted to purchase something but my partner disapproved of the price, I would consider buying it anyway and not telling him/her.
I don’t want my partner to see my purchase receipts in case s/he disapproves of my spending.
I am always honest with my partner about my savings. Sometimes, I pretend to be saving money when, in reality, I am not.
I would hide a bill from my partner to avoid upsetting him/her.
If I needed the money just for a few days, I would take out credit and not tell my partner.
Sometimes, I avoid telling my partner how much money I spend on gifts to avoid confrontation.
My partner knows how much money I spend on gifts for friends and relatives.
I would not tell my partner if I lost money gambling.
If I won a bet, I might buy myself a treat and not tell my partner.
If I received an unexpected inheritance, buying things without my partner's knowledge would be nice.
I prefer to keep information about my income private from my partner.
Looking for Support?
Finding the proper help might be challenging. Most financial advisors must be explicitly trained to help people with emotional, psychological, behavioral, and relational hurdles. Because of this, you may have to seek the support of a relationship counselor and a financial advisor. Putting the pieces together will require patience, understanding, and, most importantly, the ability to listen for understanding.
